Paris 2024: German flag bearer Wagner on battling depression

Competing at the Olympics was a childhood dream for Anna-Maria Wagner. But as a little girl, even Wagner probably never imagined one day being a flag bearer for her country.

"When I found out, I was speechless at first," German judoka Wagner said at a press conference on Wednesday. "I'll only realize it when I'm holding the flag in my hands."

Wagner called her task a "big honor" and suggested that her selection was just reward for a career in which she has won two world championships, including this year's in Abu Dhabi, as well as two bronze medals at the Tokyo Games in 2021.

'I cried a lot for no reason'

However, amid all the highs, there have also been some devastating lows.

After she returned from Tokyo, the now-28-year-old developed depression. Having fulfilled her dream, she felt flat, at one point going days without even leaving her bed.

"At the beginning, I had no desire to do judo or sport, I just wanted to stay at home," Wagner told DW in a recent interview. "I didn't go out much, but I also cried a lot for no reason. I was just not in a good mood."

Wagner, who smiled and laughed throughout the interview, acknowledges that that was the "complete opposite" of what she is like normally. She had to force herself to get back to training and her previous routine.

"It was a very tough time," Wagner said. "It took longer than I thought. I kept feeling better and then worse again. It was like a rollercoaster ride.

"But it always got a little bit better, and I would say that at the beginning of this year I was completely back, physically and mentally, and I've had a strong year so far."

Dealing with the challenges of Olympic success

Wagner says she recovered with the support of her friends and help from her sports psychologist, who explained to her that she was entering a new phase of her life and had to rediscover what she wanted from it.

"We are not machines," Wagner said. "At some point you will have achieved everything you set out to do, and then what?"

The emotional drop has its own name: post-Olympic depression, and Wagner is by no means alone in having suffered from it. Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time with 23 gold medals, has previously revealed that he contemplated suicide at the height of his incredible career.

"After every Olympics I think I fell into a major state of depression," Phelps said in 2018.

For Wagner, it is a sign of "strength" to speak openly about mental health. And in doing so, it helped her to accept what she was going through.

"I decided at some point to go public with it and talk about it because everyone only knows me for my medals, for my smile and my victories," she said. "But there's also a flip side to the coin, and that's part of me too, and it's OK that it's like that.

"I got some very nice messages. A lot of female athletes wrote to me and said that they felt exactly the same and thanked me for talking about it because they couldn't. I'm a role model, and maybe I can help one or two of them. Someone who qualifies for the Games in a few years will then remember that it is normal for something like this to happen."

'Mission gold' in Paris

It is a grueling enough experience to get to an Olympics, let alone compete for the biggest prize.

In judo, a country can only send one athlete per weight class to the Games. It meant that Wagner, as well as having to secure a qualifying spot, also had to be picked ahead of two-time European champion Alina Böhm, someone she considers a friend.

"It really was a tough time for me," Wagner said. "It was important that I just stayed within myself during that time, that I didn't look left or right but just focused on my performance and giving it my best."

Now that she has reached Paris, Wagner says she is approaching the Olympics like any other competition, as a way of keeping herself grounded.

"It's the same people, the same judges and the same coaches," she said.

She said she planned to enjoy the opening ceremony before making a "cut" and concentrating on her competition, the aim for which is clear.

"A gold medal, of course," Wagner said, again with a big smile. And she meant it.

Edited by: Chuck Penfold